I used to enjoy international air travel, but that was in the days when flight attendants treated passengers like valued customers and not cheap air freight that incoveniently required to be transported from A to B with the minimum of fuss. However air travel is a means to an end, and we certainly didn’t begrudge flying 4091 miles followed by an exhausting 300 mile drive in a rental car to see my beautiful new granddaughter, Emilie Kate.
However it’s the inevitable side shows along route which can take their toll on your energy levels. Why couldn’t some bright spark invent a sleeping pill to last the duration of the flight which enabled one to wake up refreshed? Once again I was a victim of the ever widening, hip flared surly flight attendants, some of whom have the charm of an overweight rottweiler on heat. Sorry dog lovers. Inevitably they conveniently forget that they are basically glorified waitresses while the beleaguered passengers are long suffering customers and we are doing them a favor by electing to fly with their airline.
I don’t care about the food and wine or the stock of movies available; just knock me out until I arrive at my destination. One more thing; can somebody explain to me why airlines continue to board aircraft via business class? Entering the aircraft, passengers eyes light up when they peruse the business class section displaying luxurious seats, and acres of leg room until reality strikes them in the butt.
Flight Attendant: Okay peasants, pick your jaws up from the floor, roll up your tongues and keep moving through to coach, economy, steerage, and punters’ class whatever. We will be serving bowls of gruel 30 minutes after take-off to those who don’t mention aching joints.
Airport security remains a pet peeve of mine. I appreciate that following 9/11 a stricter stance had to be taken to improve passenger safety, but give us a break on making ridiculous attempts to avoid racial profiling. My wife and I rarely check a bag and our carry on luggage is automatically subjected to X-Ray machines. Nevertheless, as we were about to board the plane my wife was apprehended by a security officer and subjected to a full body pat down while the contents of her luggage were unceremoniously sifted through by some laser device. Meanwhile a human being (difficult to tell the gender) in full yashmak passed contemptuously by my wife onto the waiting plane. When we finally arrived at our destination and successfully negotiated customs and passport control, we continued onto our next challenge: car rental!
Car Rental Agent: Good morning, how can I rip you off this morning, sorry how may I help you?
My wife: We reserved a car with your company a few days ago.
CRA: You did reserve the car for 8.30am but it’s only 8.25am so that makes you early in my book. I will overlook it this time and I will check the car’s status on my computer. Oh dear, your car is in the process of being cleaned following habitation by a bitch with a couple of dogs leaving hair all over the place. We’re not sure if the hair came from the bitch or the dogs. I’m afraid it will be a couple of hours before the car is ready for human occupation.
MW: Do you have another car available? You are not exactly inundated with customers at the moment.
CRA: The day has only just begun Madam; customers will be flying (pardon the pun) through the door as we speak. Just looking on the old DOS screen and I can upgrade you to a sewing machine with automatic transmission for just an extra 29 pounds. Even with the extra charge, it’s a steal honestly. It’s as cheap as chips and believe me you’re having a bargain.
MW: I appreciate the upgrade but it’s your company’s fault that the reserved car is not available and we shouldn’t have to pay a surcharge for your incompetence.
CRA: I understand where you’re coming from, (but I’m not listening; it does not compute); I understand completely, but believe me you are having a great deal with us. Dick Turpin couldn’t have done any better.
MW: I’m sorry but I don’t understand why we have to pay an upgrade when the onus is on you to provide us with a car at the reserved time.
CRA: Right, fine, fine….. Don’t pay the extra. I will have to face disciplinary action from my superiors on Monday morning for allowing you to have this car at a pauper’s rate. The difference will come out of my pay packet but you don’t care about me do you?
MW: Here is my credit card which has driver insurance coverage. My husband will be the primary driver.
CRA: Really! I’m afraid you have to pay extra for an additional driver when you rent a car with this company.
MW: That’s ridiculous. Okay, we will use my husband’s credit card to pay for the car rental.
CRA: Aah! Aah! Your husband’s card doesn’t have driver’s insurance coverage and I’m afraid he will have to pay extra for motor insurance. It appears to me that I have you by the proverbial short and curlies whichever way you wish to do this. I do detect an American twang, so what do Americans normally say in these situations? Thank you for your business and have a nice day.
We finally arrived at my daughter’s; shaken but not stirred by our experience on our journey. I had seen my granddaughter on Skype several times but the video didn’t do her justice. She is so precious and cute, and her mum is none too shabby either, that all the negative vibes accumulated along the way instantly vanished. What do they say, no pain no gain?
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