News Headlines from a British Tabloid

 I was flying back from Britain the other day and purchased a damp edition of the Daily Mail before boarding. When we were safely airborne, I began reading my newspaper over a cup of tepid, murky dish water that the flight attendant amusingly referred to as coffee. Flicking through the pages, I found myself laughing hysterically at some of the   news headlines.

Now the Daily Mail admittedly is a tabloid, but it can sometimes be mistaken for a semi-serious newspaper which made the headlines even more bizarre. A number of them are itemized below with one or two comments of my own thrown to the wolves for good measure:

 

  • How the way to a woman’s heart is through the ironing board…..they still use them in the UK?
  • Hosepipe ban arrives with a washout…as seven million Britons prepare for their first hosepipe ban in 14 years; the Met Office is predicting two days of rain. Hey guys, get your buckets ready to collect the watery substance.
  • What planet is he on? “Just as male heterosexuals are free to enjoy themselves playing rugby, drinking beer and talking about girls, so male homosexuals are to be free to enjoy going to Kylie concerts, drinking exotically colored cocktails and talking about boys.” Lord Rodger…….this is in response to The Government refusing asylum claims by gay men on the grounds they could hide their sexuality-and therefore avoid persecution at home-by behaving discreetly.
  • Parents back smacking….in anti-smack charity poll……but leave the head alone. I can recall a number of sadistic teachers in my school days, most of whom taught arts and crafts, who took great delight in assaulting pupils.
  • Sports day ban for dad with no CRB check…..a school turned a father away from his son’s first sports day because they did not believe he had undergone checks by the Criminal Records Bureau.
  • A Tarmac path on Snowdon. How long before all Britain’s covered in concrete? Come on now, they are trying to make it easier for gormless school kids wearing unsuitable shoes, women in espadrilles and obese young men in vests clutching cans of beer (Snowdon at 3,560ft is the highest peak in England and Wales) to walk the walk.
  • Is Everyone in Britain drunk? “At night the historic Roman city of Bath was infested with enough drink-fuelled yobbishness to make it unsafe for frail folk to walk home from the cinema.”
  • It’s our party so we’ll moan if we want to…..the annual Summer Ball of the Self-Pitying Society, or SPS is almost upon us. A note on the back of the invitation reads: “To help save the planet this card is made of fully-recyclable material. Not that the planet deserves saving.”
  • Brussels fines us 150 million pounds for failing to fly the EU flag…….on a string of projects part-funded by Europe. Britain is a net contributor to the EU budget contributing 6.4 billion pounds more to Brussels than it receives back .So why don’t we tell them to stick their blue flag where a squirrel keeps his nuts?
  • Cows kill man, 47, in stampede horror…..for no apparent reason
  • Shotgun licence given to child of ten by police……apparently it’s legal but a mother was quoted as saying: “Police are recklessly handing gun licences out like Smarties and it is morally wrong.”
  • The solution to crowded graveyards………RESOMATION where bodies are treated in a steel chamber with potassium hydroxide at high pressure and a temperature of 180 degrees Celsius. Basically the body is dissolved.
  • Squeaker Bercow is the most perfect fool….even he is one, the journalist should respect the position that Bercow holds: Speaker of the House of Commons
  • The seagull who thinks he’s a cat………seems reasonable when you consider Warren Beatty’s daughter thinks she’s his son.
  • Stretch limos for 11-year-olds-are parents round the bend? Yes, quite frankly.
  • So why does Beatty’s girl want to be a boy…..and will Warren ever come to terms with it? It could be worse; his cat may think he’s a seagull.
  • Yes, divorce IS infectious-I caught it from my friends……..so did my ex-wife.

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